Thursday, August 30, 2007

Brain Disconnect

So, all these posts about last night's thunderstorms has got me thinking. (Dangerous, I know).

As I've mentioned before, and most of you know, I am utterly terrified of thunder. Yes, the noise thunder. And when I say scared, I mean that I shake and just about panic. The thing is that if there were anything I should actually be afraid of, would be lightning, right? After all, that's what could actually do damage and maybe even kill you. But, it's not the lightning I'm afraid of. Intellectually I know that thunder is nothing but the delayed sound of lightning. That it can't hurt you, that it is actually kind of cool when you think about it. Yet, I still lay in bed in terror every time. I'm a grown woman for goodness sake! And, I worry that I'm gonna freak out my kids. How can I keep them calm and not have them be scared, if their own mother is pale and clammy herself?

Another place that my brain has disconnected from reality is with Henry. I have an incredibly difficult time connecting that he is the little being that was inside my tummy only two months ago. I cannot put together the little kicks during my pregnancy with his tiny toes and (sort of) chubby legs. The pieces just won't fit together. Again, intellectually, I know this to be the case. But somehow, I just cannot put the two together. I remember even thinking that way immediately after his birth. When they handed him to me at the hospital, still bloody and wrinkled, I distinctly remember thinking "This came out of me. But it doesn't feel like it. It feels more like he just kind of got handed to me." And so it is. For all intents and purposes in my mind, Henry was just handed to me from some cosmic baby factory in the sky. My pregnancy and his existence are two totally separate events. And you know what else? I feel like I was pregnant like a million years ago. It doesn't seem like only 9 short weeks ago that I was the size of a house. Kind of like high school memories, you know? Like, it's almost a foggy far away time...totally weird.

So, where does your brain disconnect? Do you have any irrational beliefs, fears or otherwise totally illogical ways of thinking (or not)? Maybe you're all just normal and I'm the complete weirdo...likely the case.

4 comments:

Jacquelyn said...

Biggest irrationality? I hate asking for help (usually in the case of needing a babysitter) so I'll put it off for so long by the time I do ask no one can help out and I can say to myself "See, you just can't count on people to ever help you so don't bother asking." I wish I could trade you and be afraid of thunder! There's no self-defeating cycle involved.

Jeannett Gibson said...

So, is your issue with asking for help that you don't want to bug people or that you're convinced you can't "count on people" and that people don't want to help? I can see not wanting to bother folks, or not want to maybe admit that you need help...but I don't think it's fair to say you can't "count" on them...just a thought. But I guess that's why it's irrational...

Brianna Heldt said...

i am deathly afraid of flying. honestly i have serious anxiety that either my plane will be hijacked or that (and this is the main one) something will go wrong and we'll crash. LAME!!! But I refuse to let this affect my life or places that I go. Like, Africa.

My kids may very well never know what it's like to have a dog! Henry's so lucky!

Kristen Borland said...

well, yes, i have all kinds of irrational fears. i agree with brianna about the flying thing. hate it! won't ever go alone.

the problem comes in trying to talk yourself out of these fears (or when husband tries to). i just don't know how to do it!