Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Starbucks Stress


Since the last two posts have been a bit of Debbie Downers, I thought I'd post something super frivolous and random.

Why?

Because it's my blog, and I can.

With that, I have something to get off my chest:

Starbucks totally stresses me out.

Look, their coffee is okay. I don't think it's great...it's not bad or anything, but it's not that phenomenal either. (I'm sure some reading this will gaffaw and be utterly offended, but whatever, it's my opinion).

Even still, you will find me at the drive thru every once in a blue moon. Mainly because, well, you can get yourself a coffee at a drive thru.

Even if it does cost me almost 5 bucks.

But the whole experience makes me break out in a sweat.

I mean, really...can't I just have a MEDIUM mocha???

I can never seem to remember the stupid size language...why is a "tall" the small???? And the "grande" (which means BIG) actually the MEDIUM??? And then suddenly they go to "venti" which means 20 in Italian...because it's 20 ounces...but it's out of sequence. If you want to go that route, you should call the small Otto...since that's how you say eight (ounces) in Italian.

(By the way, I had to totally google all of that...)

CONSISTENCY PEOPLE!!!

And when I DO say the word medium...the cashier, er barista (whatEVER)...always feels the need to correct me..."okay, so you want a Grande Cafe Mocha..."

Seriously. Just give me my stupid coffee.

You don't have to insult my intelligence by correcting my inability/refusal to speak your MADE UP and inconsistent fake language.

I shouldn't have to refer to the menu in order to remind myself what your silly lingo is.

It's COFFEE.

Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

(It reminds me of when I worked at Victoria's Secret and they had all kinds of rules about words I used to describe the "panties"...ugh!...how gross is that word???...I wanted to just shake the manager and scream YOU SELL UNDERWEAR FOR A LIVING!!! GET OVER YOUR BAD SELF!!!!" )


Coffee.


And then they print these little "philisophical" quotes on the side of the cup...like they're doing you a favor by making you not only bi-lingual...but now you got your Enlightenment 101 for the day too.

Gee, thanks Starbucks.

Because I would be totally shallow and uneducated if it weren't for you.

And then...they start firing all kinds of questions at you...soy? dairy? double shot? whipped cream...

I just. shut. down.

I have no idea.

Just coffee that kinda tastes like chocolate.

In medium size.

Not the big one, not the small one.

The one in the middle.

Skinny? Macchiato? Frapuccino???

I have honestly been so overwhelmed at times, that I seriously scrap my entire order and just ask for a water.

"Bottled? Flavored? With ice? No ice? Lemon?"

O.M.G.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

"Would you like a shortbread cookie that supports an Ethiopian Village of basket weavers?"

No thanks.

"How about a CD with crooning tunes from a self-absorbed pseudo-pop star where five cents goes towards a knitting tribe in Madagascar?"

Just a medium coffee.

At this point, I don't even care if it tastes like chocolate.

In fact, I just want to get out of here.

The grinding and steaming and clanking is making me want to have an absolute nervous breakdown.

I always marvel at the people who go to Starbucks to "study" or "read" or have a "conversation"...how can you hear yourself THINK in all that racket????


(this is where I know I'm getting old...)


"Did you bring your own mug? Did you want a napkin? Would you like to buy a pound of coffee to make at home? Have you tried our new instant coffe? How about some granola and yogurt?"

Just shoot me now.

Obviously I'm not the only one...since someone made a cheat sheet...

Okay, I'm done now.

Thanks for listening.

I'm pretty sure I just wasted like 7 minutes of your day.

Sorry about that.

(Footnote: none of this is directed at the employees themselves, since I know that they are only doing their job and following corporate directives...hell, I had to utter the word "panties" all day long...ugh...just typing it gives me the heeby-jeevies...)

13 comments:

Jenny said...

this made me laugh out loud... like really for real, my kids looked at me and wondered why I was looking at my computer laughing, and came to see hoping they would see a silly picture or something kid like funny. nope. coffee. I'm laughing at coffee because I have driven away from starbucks genuinly disappointed because I had a thimble full of coffe that I just paid $43.00 for and truly thought that, surely for $43 dollars that I would get the biggest size possible, because after staying up all night working I needed the biggest size possible, but also could not remember the venti, tall, grande, shorty, whatever order!!! love. it.!!

joy said...

i can never remember their sizes either. and, i don't love their coffee, but a starbucks can always be found. i do like their breakfast sandwiches, however. you're funny.

jenny said...

O.M.G. I'm still laughing out loud! Gosh... this is me WORD.FOR.WORD!! Add in the mix that I don't even like coffee or tea but go there in a blue moon just to get a hot cocoa. I always say small, and I used to think they got it wrong when they'd repeat back "tall." And.... I used to think that Venti was a type of drink - ha! Oh, this just really made me laugh and laugh. Thanks for the highlight of my day. :-)

Jacquelyn said...

I used to work at a non Sbucks coffee shop and we would laugh all day long about the pretentiousness of it all. Have you heard about their coffee pairings? "The smokey flavor of the bolder roasts will go well with the dried out stale 3 day old upscale sounding donut that they shipped from some warehouse in L.A." Gotta love it!

Mama Mote said...

Thanks for the anniversary gift (you didn't know, did you?). This is so funny and you said it so PERFECTLY! I do go once in awhile for one thing and it usually goes smooth because I only know the one thing, including the size. My daughter works at Starbucks in OR...she doesn't even drink tea or coffee. But it's a job. She laughs at the people who come in. But she knows them by their drinks. funny

andy gibson said...

Cue, Role Models:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS_PzfpKLYU

Epic.

Katie&Greg said...

Thank you so much for the laugh. I can totally relate to you about the coffee sizes at Starbucks. I think its why I never venture out there. I would rather make myself a cup of coffee at my house, where I know it will be made the way I like it! :)

Keep up the good work!

Lillian said...

I am not a coffee drinker but I did stumble apon their pumpkin spice lattes. Then I found out that you can have the pumpkin spice latte without any coffee in it. It has it's own name a pumpkin spice steamer (which my hubby thinks sounds dirty) but I order my steamer and enjoy the fall days with my favortire starbucks beverage. I found your post to be spot on. Who needs overpriced mediocre coffee anyway?

rosemarysegal said...

My daughter Hannah is very tiny indeed. I tell her that if we measured her in starbucks, she would be a TALL!! I don't even drink coffee nor will I spend any amount of money on a hot vanilla or a hot chocolate. If my kids want them, they pay for it.

Priscilla said...

at least you CAN drive through plus you have other little cute coffee kiosks where you CAN choose "a medium coffee" - and the servers are so much nicer. FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GET STARBUCKS (unless you are in Seattle) LOL

kristinwithani said...

This made me smile AND laugh so I have to link from my blog. Awesome!

Julia said...

Absolutely hilarious! I'm still laughing.... :)

Karen P. said...

Amen, Sister! I would always say my request in the wrong order and they would say it in THEIR right order. Then I would feel stupid. I do the basic order so I don't stress. None of this half caf, double vanilla, foam, soy, blah, blah, blah for me. thanks for sharing your Starbucks Stress. It's nice to know I'm not the only one :)