Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Speaking of Barbie...

***DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T BOTHER WITH THIS POST.***





Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Central Coast:



•••••




"Santa Barbara Barbie"She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.•



"Pismo Beach (outlets) Barbie"The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.•



"Oceano Barbie"This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.•



"Cambria Barbie"This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.•



"Paso Robles Barbie"This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.•



"Orcutt Barbie"This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built condo.•



"Nipomo (swap meet) Barbie"This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Oceano Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.•



"San Luis Obispo Barbie"This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.•



"Santa Maria Barbie"This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.•


"Arroyo Grande Barbie"She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings.

10 comments:

Anna said...

Bah hahahahaha! Um...AMAZING! Except for SLO Barbie. It's not that bad here. Shoot. You could have done Poly Dolly. Equipped with tiny tank top, cotton booty shorts that say "Cal Poly" across the butt, and knee high uggs! We're just a little bit confused on the weather here! :-)

My fav was BY FAR Oceano Barbie. haha. AG Barbie was classic too!

Jacquelyn said...

Oceano Barbie needs a cool 1979 RV and a "fixer upper" house. The meth lab should be left over from the previous occupants of said house ....

jen said...

I saw this a few years ago in an email forward...funny stuff!

Penny Malley said...

Did you come up with all this? My dear, you've missed your calling in life- to write for Conan. This was hysterical!
Oceano Barbie rocked. I think the SLO Barbie could also have been called the Los Osos Barbie, minus the sewer.

Jeannett Gibson said...

No, no Penny...while I would love to take credit, it was an email I got a while back...but I saved it and every once in a while I read it again for a laugh. It doesn't matter how many times I've read it, I still fully crack up out loud!

I just thought it was especially appropriate after the Barbie/Bratz posts of a few days ago.

Kristen Borland said...

ha! where did you find this?! :) pretty funny! though, are you sure the oceano barbie isn't really the santa maria barbie? :) ha, ha... we used to live in oceano. and, well, yeah...

paso girl is by far the coolest (and the closest to where we live). woohoo for cowgirls! but i feel a little left out... we have meth labs up here to, you know. wouldn't want you to miss that! ;)

Joanie said...

Tee hee! This is crazy funny. Scary how some of it is right on the mark.

joy said...

i really liked arroyo grande barbie and totally agree with that assessment. where did cade go? that was so funny! even cade laughed.

lindsey said...

that is HILARIOUS! oh my goodness, someone had way too much time on their hands!

the wife said...

That was hysterical!
Oceano Barbie could double as Grover Beach Barbie if her hair was all stringy and she had no make up.