Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Rant: Bathing Suits

Ah, yes. Summertime. Sunny skies, warm weather, a hot grill...and BATHING SUIT SHOPPING. Who, may I ask, invented these things? It's a no win situation I tell you! No Win!

First of all, you pretty much have three options:

1) Bikini: not such a bad idea if you are young, tan, and firm. In other words, won't be happening here! Okay, now before anyone gives me grief about having lost so much weight, yes, I have. And yes, I probably weigh about the least I have in YEARS. Great...as long as I'm wearing clothes. Seriously. I look like a deflated balloon. Everything sags and hangs...and OH THE COLOR! Elmer's glue anyone? Truly. I tried on some suits today and when I turned to look at what used to be a relatively nice bottom, I didn't even recognize the hanging flaps of floppy, dimpled white skin. What on earth is that? That can't possibly be my butt! How? I expected that other parts of my body would look different post-baby...but my BOOTY? Why???? UGH. HENRY YOU ARE GROUNDED! FOR LIFE!

2) One piece: Okay seriously???!!! For as awful and disgusting as I look in a bikini, a one piece is more than I can bear. Just because it has more fabric doesn't necesarily mean it looks better. Somehow, I manage to look rounder, flabbier, and older than ever. They pull and press in all the wrong places, and don't get me started on the lack of support! Is it possible to make it hold at least SOMETHINGS up??? Really. I'll wear a thong bikini before I'll wear a one piece in public. Or, stay home.

3) Tankini: Ah, yes. The perfect blend of the two piece and one piece. For those of us who don't have abs, buns or other body parts of steel, but not quite 82 years old yet. NOT. First of all, most tankini tops seem to cut short right above your belly button. HELLO???!!! That's where all the flab is people! If there is ANYWHERE that I want covered, it's my lower belly! This is not the time to channel the 1986 midriff craze! I didn't look good in a midriff when I was 10, much less now that I've birthed a child! And we all know that it's likely the mom-crowd perusing the tankini aisle. But do we really have to be forced to select from the uber-safe solid black and brown...or the painfully obnoxious magenta and orange daisies??? All those 18 year old girls will be strutting around way hotter than me no matter what, so would it kill ya to let me at least have a cute print?

Bottoms: Wow. Where to begin. We have the scoop bottom. Maximum coverage, great, right? All the turquoise spandex stretched across your booty makes you look like a freaky version of a dolphin. And why is the elastic around the waist and leg holes always seem 2 sizes too small? It just pushes the soft fat right in and then makes it pop right out again in a scary, saggy, dimply muffin top. Ick. We have the boy short/hot pant. Wow. Who on earth buys these? You would think that they might help us non-jazzercise gals, but the leg holes always cut right above that softest, cushiest spot in your thighs and draws copious amounts of attention to the jiggle and shake dance that occurs unbeknownst to you as you merely walk normally. How do I feel like I gained 15 pounds the minute I put these "hot shorts" on? Only professional volleyball players look "hot" in these, so I don't know why stores continue to carry them. Shockingly, I find that the string bikini bottoms work the best (I didn't say they were perfect, just the lesser of the evils)...it's counterintuitive, but those little skimpy strings allow you to loosen it all up and keep the blubber press under control.

So, all of that to say that I ran into Old Navy the other day to buy a bathing suit, and I just about screamed in the fitting room. When the pimply faced kid with the stupid headset asked me how it went, I could have decked him.

Anyone else? Or is it just me?

16 comments:

CandB said...

I vote for the one piece! Jeannett... we should embrace our "elmer's glue" skin. :)

Sugar Plum said...

I love your descriptions, how true! I seriously look best in a skirt and tank top. Skin tight suits just aren't pretty on anyone!

joy said...

amen, sista! preach on. alas, for me, i did settle on the tankini, with get this, HAWAIIN print, from GOTTSCHALKS. need i say more? and i totally agree about the string bikini bottoms. i'd totally wear those if i could find something decent to go on top. maybe we should become nudists? okay, that's just plain scary. if you think you sag anywhere after one child--i've birthed three! thank the good Lord above for that special bond between husband and wife. He is merciful!

Jacquelyn said...

After years of struggling to face reality I'm ready to accept the fact that in order to go swimming with my kids I will have to bare portions of my body that aren't worthy of the sunlight that reflects off their paleness. I do wear a bikini that comes up high enough to hide most of the stretch marks and for the most part I wear cut offs to cover my booty. I really like how cute board shorts are so I might get a pair of those so I can actually swim with my shorts still on. Good luck Jeanette, sometimes the lights at Old Navy can be particularly harsh and I know that I personally have never found anything there to fit my lower half and gave up on getting swimsuits there a long time ago (post Zak). Happy shopping!

Jacquelyn said...

oh, and Urban Outfitters has some more coverage/supportive suits that look cute ... worth a try, right?

Brianna Heldt said...

HA! you crack me up. i don't do bikini's. this year i bought a two piece thing where the bottom is like a miniskirt, and the top almost looks like it could be a cute spaghetti strap shirt, and it covers my entire midriff. it's pretty cute i think, although it's a little too big (beggars can't be choosers or something). it's from target and it is indeed brown. :)


joy i am CRACKING UP at your comment...hawaiin AND from gottschalks.

Anna said...

Ok, so sometimes I read your blog Jeannett (it's anna lyons from Grace)...I love your raw humor! I had to comment becuase I thought you should know that I CAN NOT find anything that fits right at Old Navy (bathing suit wise). I feel like their suits have no support too and I'm not exactly ample up top. The bottoms don't cover my bum either...and I don't really HAVE a bum, so that's quite an accomplishment. So...just so you know...a big part of it might be Old Navy. I had better luck at Target. :-)

sarah said...

I agree with all the Old Navy comments. Terrible lighting. And their bathing suit tops are very UNsupportive - and lets just say, my cups don't exactly "runneth over," if you catch my drift. I believe they are made for the 20 and under crowd - i.e. for those whose breasts defy gravity.

Wish i had some good advice for you! I ordered my suit online through Victoria's Secret and it was surprisingly flattering. (I know, i kinda hate to support them but when a cute suit comes along, what can ya do??)

Mike and Rachel said...

I keep trying on the tennis skirt bottom with the halter bikini top, but haven't bought one yet because the prints all suck. I DO wear a one piece, but I only look 43, not 82 :)

pennymalley said...

... so does this mean I missed seeing you in a string bikini at our latest church event? :)

Jeannett Gibson said...

Penny-Actually...I was wearing the stringy bottoms...UNDERNEATH shorts and tank top! It's one thing to suck it up at the beach or lake with complete strangers...and a whole other ball of wax wearing a suit when you WILL see these people again!

And as far as the Victoria Secret suits...you know, I ordered one years ago (way pre-baby), and it was pretty depressing...all I remember thinking was "hmmm, this suit looked so cute on Tyra Banks..."

Kate said...

i wear a one piece and love it! i found one online and it goes low on the hips and high on the chest so I never have to worry about showing too much breast or butt. :) plus it in black, so that helps with the slimming look! i think that knowing i'm modest,totally covered and that i don't have to worry about anyone seeing anything they shouldn't makes me feel comfortable and stylish at the same time.

Kate said...

oh, and if you want to take a look, i got mine at the swimoutlet.com. they've got some pretty good stuff.

Jill Duarte said...

Last summer I lost some weight and thought I'd celebrate with a new suit. It had been a long time and the one I had been wearing for years was a blue, swim shorts and tank style top thing. Very unstylish, but covered alot. So during the week that my parents took all 4 of our kids on vacation off I went on my quest to find a suit. It took two days and soooo many stores. I completely agree with everyone about Old Navy. I hate spending a lot for things, especially two very small pieces of waterproof material, but when it comes to suits, you get what you pay for. I finally found a great one at Everything But Water. I must have tried on 50! The changing room was small, the lighting was dim (trying to give the illusion of tan in the mirror), I basically told the 20 year old salesgirl to leave me the *&%$ alone and my suit cost about $100...but it has a super cute scalloped halter neckline that plunges yet still supports these nursed out boobs, flatters the less than flattering tummy and hits just right on the thigh. I'd buy it again in a heartbeat. Just keep searching and upgrade your store...you'll find it!

charlotte said...

You probably already got one by this time, but I found a really cute one piece at Marshall's for 20 bucks (!) I thought they had a good collection for my size (size 12). Went there after I visited Old Navy in vain... all ON had left were tankini's in xs - yea right, right? so maybe check Marshalls out if you haven't already got a suit...

srk said...

It is, however, incredibly easier to project yourself as the sexiest at the beach by putting on sexy bikinis available for sale at http://www.verysexybikini.com. This statement holds true for the sole reason that as soon as you make your choice from the whole array of swim wears offered by us, they would perfectly complement your body, thereby making your figure attractive to the young and old alike. So, buy swim suit from us immediately and enjoy your day at the beach.